Honestly?
Well…
I’ve sort of abandoned it. Straight up.
But no, really…?
I mean, I have taken a break from it. Because, yeah… I did buy a new notebook at the beginning of the year here. Specifically to write poetry in. And it started off kind of decent, but I felt like it quickly devolved into regurgitated garbage. Unfortunately.
I think part of the problem with it [my poetry] is that, at some point in the process, I began writing it for the wrong reasons. That, and I got so caught up in trying to be absolutely perfect that I simply took too long. Now I can’t keep track of which ones I’ve shared, which ones I haven’t, etcetera.
I still would like to publish another poetry collection at some point, admittedly. But it will probably never happen… At least, that’s what it feels like lately. The fact that no one really cared to read it either doesn’t necessarily make me want to go back to it anytime soon. Not that anybody is really reading these blog posts either, but it’s different. I’m not entirely pouring my heart and soul into these posts. Or maybe I am, actually? Regardless… It’s different. It just feels different.
Anyway! I do intend to learn how to write better poetry. Originally, I was going to take a poetry class at college. But that didn’t really pan out the way I had hoped. Nevertheless, I do have a book on how to write better poetry. It’s called, “Painless Poetry.” It’s written by Mary Elizabeth. If you’re searching for it, it’s part of “Barron’s Painless” series. There should be a creature on the front, sort of looks like a cat.
But anyway, getting back to the point here. The biggest problem I have with poetry is just how subjective it is. There was a time where I enjoyed that overall freedom, admittedly. But the older I get, the more structure I begin needing. I am not the most creative person in the world, unfortunately. And, to me, it feels like poetry is the most creative form of writing there is.
Poetry is beautiful. It’s wonderful. It can be earth-shattering. And that’s really why I adore it so much. That’s why it pains me a great deal to have finally reached something of a personal breaking point with it, too. But, perhaps, this is actually a good thing overall? I feel like when I wrote poetry in the past, it came from some rather intense emotions that I was feeling at the time. Nowadays though, that intensity I used to feel is no longer as constant a force as it once was for me. So… Maybe my dying interest in it is a sign of (positive) growth overall?
And yeah, not to brag or anything… But my life hasn’t been as tumultuous as it once used to be either. Sure, there are still moments of anxiety and dread. Still many moments of anxiety and dread, honestly. But, at the same time, that soul-crushing sadness I used to call home isn’t as prevalent these days.
I still get sad. I still get lonely. But I have been working extremely hard on myself to better reframe those moments. So, while those moments may still come and go. While they may be rather heavy at times too, even. I am learning how to better focus on the things that actually matter. How to better focus on the gifts I’ve already been given in this life.
That’s not necessarily to say that poetry can’t be positive or anything, but I do think it’s much easier to write poetry when one is in a state of complete and utter despair. I’m not really in that state anymore. At least, not currently. So, to write poetry these days takes a bit more time. A bit more effort. And while I do think that some of the poetry I write is actually decent. I find most of it to be slop. So, instead of continuously wasting my time trying to fix it… I decided it best to take some time away from it and enjoy these moments while I have them. Thankfully, poetry will always be there to catch me when I fall again. If I fall again. When.
Besides, no matter how you mold it or whatever… Slop is still just that. Slop. And I really am trying to be one of the best poets that has ever existed. So first, I have to change that overall mindset of trying to be the best before I can return to it. Because poetry is not some sort of competition. And if I want a better outcome, then my focus needs to be on enjoying the process more. Which… The process of writing poetry has become so stale for me, it’s hard to see a future wherein I will ever enjoy it again.
So, needless to say… I’m not really fixing it. But in a way, I am. I’m kind of at a crossroads with it overall though. I do intend to try a bit more with it come summertime. But until then, I’ve decided to shift my energy and focus toward other projects. Projects that have a bit more of an immediate feedback and everything (like blogging).
I’m not writing it off completely. Not yet, at least. But if I were to never write a poem again for the rest of my life then I don’t think I would be too bothered by that either. Honestly. Especially given the fact that I’ve been writing it consistently for the past three or four years (behind the scenes) and I never really made it as far as I hoped I would have. Oh well! At least I gave it my all, you know?
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