PORTFOLIO

While I am aware of all the amazing games yet to release, I no longer find joy in video games. As sad as it is to admit, it is possible I have outgrown the hobby of video games. What once fueled me with adrenaline now fills me with dread and anxiety. On the rare occasion I do find a game worth playing, I often lack the time to give that game my full attention. It breaks my heart to come to this realization, but we all grow up eventually. Still though, I am only 25, I did not expect my interest in video games to die out this soon. I thought I would have a few more good years left in me. I figured by 30 I would have moved on to better, more important and fulfilling interests. But at 25 I expected to be nearing the peak of my interest in gaming, not to be in such a decline as I am now. Even more concerning, I am writing this about a week after Playstation’s “Astro Bot” was released. One of the highest-rated platforming games to ever exist. A genre I love from a company I appreciate, I thought it would be the game to save me. Admittedly, I have not been able to afford the game yet. Thus, I have not actually played “Astro Bot” for myself. So perhaps, there is still hope. Yet, my desire to play video games is rapidly decreasing with each day that passes. As I find it difficult to justify spending around $60 on a game I might play, when I have other responsibilities to worry about instead.

Not only are there bills to stress over, but I would much rather spend $60 on a day at an apple orchard with my family or a similar experience. My family has become my top priority, ever since my niece was born. So whenever I get time away from school and my other duties, I would rather be with my family and my niece. The only other hobby I truly care about is writing. But I do enough writing as is, what with school and all. Regardless, my family still takes precedence. Because no matter how fulfilling writing is, the words will always remain whereas my family will someday dissipate. And I know I should not prioritize my family as much as I do now because I know they take a huge toll on mental wellbeing, but I have been blessed with a family that truly loves one another. Meaning, more often than not, the time we all spend together is positive. Rarely do we fight or argue, even if we do have a disagreement we are all able to move past the hurdle rather gracefully. Sure, there was a time when things got really bad between us all. But again, we were able to eventually move past it and now we are all stronger as a result. I just wish my family did not make me feel so guilty for wanting to play video games on occasion. My mother is especially nasty about this sort of thing. She is improving though, as she is starting to realize the importance of hobbies for herself. Now, too, she has more time to indulge in her own interests. However, some damage has already been done to me and it has been incredibly difficult to undo.

Life is not a video game, there is no resetting. What is done has been done. I cannot just forget what I have been taught up until now. I can attempt to alter my education though, to better accommodate for who I became. But I cannot erase my memory, like how two plus two will always equal four. Even if I could somehow manage to clear my memory, I would not want to. The thoughts in my head, those experiences I lived through, are what has formed me into the man I am now. Even if I was living through the darkest moments of my life, I would still want to hold on to those memories for as long as I possibly could. Because those experiences are how I learn what is and is not acceptable. The downside here is that these very same moments are what is telling me video games are a waste of time these days. I think back to my youth and reminisce on all the unforgettable memories in video games, I feel nostalgic for those times. Yet, when I look deeper into those memories I begin noticing the frustration I had while playing video games. I notice the lack of employable skills I gained from staring at a screen and pressing buttons. I know times are different now, and I know many people have become successful from playing video games. But I am not one of those many people, I am an average person who has yet to learn how to appropriately communicate my thoughts and ideas to others effectively.

While going to school and studying journalism is helping me learn how to become a more effective communicator, I still have a long way to go before I really start putting myself out there. It is also possible I will never reach that final destination of becoming a famed YouTuber. Because I hate my voice and I cannot speak properly, though I could invest in a speech pathologist. Even if I were to invest in improving my voice, I am not the biggest fan of talking. I would much rather communicate myself through text because I often think too slowly about what I say. It takes me a couple hours, sometimes even days, to come up with a response to even the simplest of conversations. Another flaw of my upbringing, always having been told to think before I speak. Which is a good lesson to learn overall, but it has been my kryptonite as I already have a head full of deep thoughts.

This brings me to some of the positive outcomes of video games, and to the reason(s) I still choose to play them. Video games are a meditative outlet for me. Normally, I play video games of a more casual nature. I rarely play video games that boast an expansive story, instead I prefer to play video games wherein I can better multitask by getting lost in thought and listening to a podcast in the background while I play. So typically, I will play arcade-style video games or light puzzle games. Games where the story is either irrelevant or non-existent. It is why I love games like “Bejeweled” or “Peggle” or anything PopCap has released, aside from “Plants vs. Zombies” which I find to be too slow. I prefer quick, bite-sized and addictive experiences over the sprawling role-playing games that most people normally associate with the term “gamer.” While there are some exceptions, like “Cyberpunk 2077” or “Marvel’s Spider-Man”, it is incredibly rare that I will play and enjoy a video game that is robust. I prefer to keep my video games simple and relaxing because life itself is exciting enough for me.

I have begun to outgrow the hobby of video games. I thought it was the games I was choosing to play that were the problem, but through reflection I have realized I am getting too old to enjoy video games the way I used to. I imagine I will always play video games in some capacity as I cannot see a life wherein I completely abandon the hobby, but I have other interests in life these days and playing video games now feels like a chore. Video games feel like something I have to do to maintain a healthy lifestyle rather than something I want to do to have fun. I am no longer invested in the medium like I once was because now I have a family I care about and more fulfilling work to accomplish. My values have shifted, seemingly overnight. It is sad and scary, but that is just how life goes. I grew up and matured and the hobbies I once loved no longer provide me with the feelings I need now. I need a greater sense of purpose than what video games can offer me. I want to leave a greater legacy behind instead of leaving behind a list of video games I have completed. I want to be remembered as a good uncle and renowned journalist, not as simply a gamer and a nerd. While I have many great memories from video games, the hobby has become too isolating of an experience for me to fully enjoy. Besides, I am at a point now, too, where I embrace life itself and no longer feel the need or desire to run away from it. I am thankful for all the experiences I have had and all the lessons I have learned from video games, but it is time now to begin a new chapter in my life. I am not completely abandoning the hobby just yet, I am just allowing myself the freedom to explore other options.